New year, new people thinking about getting in shape. Friends are posting blogs about why everyone should run, lift weights, do yoga, start P90XYZ, etc. Last year, I got caught up in the whole “workout” routine. I ran a couple of miles every other day. I pumped iron in my spare time. I started wearing those tight shirts that gripped my chest.
Then I realized just how hazardous exercise is to my health. Because really, it could kill you. Read on and you’ll realized later that you owe me one.
One afternoon, as I jogged along the sidewalk of a quiet neighborhood, a truck roared past me. Before I could wave hello, a brown paper bag whistle across my face. Missing my nose by a few inches, the sack landed at my feet to the sound of broken glass. I looked up to find a couple of men sitting in the bed of the speeding vehicle. Their smerks said it all.
“Only chumps exercise. Look how cool we are in the back of a Ford pickup. Eat our trash.”
An empty bottle of Dos Equis wasn’t the only thing broken that day. My quads hung up their sneakers, vowing they would never be called a chump ever again.
Don’t believe me when I say exercising is bad for you? LOL. Nice joke. How about you read these ten reasons why you should trade your push-ups for Push Pops:
1. Sweat. Okay everyone, this is a given. When you exercise, you sweat. Sweat doesn’t smell good. You know what smells good? Old Spice Body Wash. Remember the commercials? “Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me again.” That guy didn’t get his good looks by exercising. He steals girlfriends because he uses Old Spice. My point is this, stop exercising and start smelling nice.
2. You know how annoying the “I Work Out” song is? Why would you want to make that beat the soundtrack of your life? No one wants to be annoying. Annoying is for chumps.
3. When you exercise, you are legally required to post how far you run on Facebook. You don’t make friends by telling people how long it took you to jog 1.8 miles. If you don’t exercise, you have more time to post statuses that people actually care about. Like YouTube videos and those sarcastic Willy Wonka pictures.
4. Vicious dogs. How many people have gotten bit by a neighbor’s dog while watching television? How many while jogging? I’m not necessarily sure on the exact numbers, but I’m fairly certain watching television has to be the safest bet here.
5. Downton Abbey. Those people are classy. Just look at how many servants they have. They didn’t get all of those people by lifting weights. They got them by being greedy. Exercising won’t make you classy. It will make you chump. Chumps serve tea to people who aren’t chumps.
6. Taco Trucks. Jog by a taco truck and you aren’t walking away empty handed. Sure, you might burn a couple of calories on your run, but you just picked up 2,000 more in the shape of a 2-pound spicy burrito. Take it from me, stay indoors with a jar of peanut butter. Even if you do manage to miss Mr. Taco King, the ice cream man is waiting around the corner with a freezer full of future dental problems.
7. Muscle Turns to Fat. Okay, I’ll give exercising one pass. If you lift weights, your muscles will get bigger. Here’s the kicker though, if you ever stop working out, your muscles all turn to fat. Remember what happened to Arnold? The sciences can back me up here.
I don’t know about you, but having to workout every single day for the the rest of my life is a bigger commitment than I am willing to make right now.
8. Babies don’t exercise and people love them. My son is six-months old and he’s probably the laziest person I’ve ever met. Look at his life though. He might have more rolls than a can of Pillsbury biscuits, but the ladies can’t get enough of him. If there’s one person who isn’t a chump, it’s my son. Take it from babies, if you exercise, you lose.
9. America. 200 years ago, our revolutionary ancestors consumed nothing but Bald Eagles and the tears of Redcoat soldiers. You think they worried about having nice figures? LOL.
Being in shape is anti-American. Don’t make me call you a communist.
10. You’re shelling out cash to Netflix for a reason. When you exercise, you miss out on a chance to make your $7.99 a month worth it. The entire series of Lost won’t watch itself. Stop running around and YO-the freakin’-LO. This life is all you’ve got, don’t live like a chump.
Wade’s Wisdom is a regular column by Wade Bearden. Here, he shares his wisdom, knowledge, and intricate understanding of life to readers all over the world.
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