I don’t have the best memory, so I’ve trained myself to immediately make a note of anything funny or creative that I come up with over the course of the day. If I don’t, then it will be gone forever. Periodically at night, I’ll wake up with a joke that I believe is tweet worthy. I’ll grab my phone and quickly type it in before falling back to sleep. The funny thing is, I usually don’t remember what I’ve typed. There are instances when I’m scrolling through the notes on my phone and see something that I didn’t even realize came from me. Some of these jokes are completely ridiculous and I never know what I’m going to find. I’m just glad I don’t think enough to tweet them.
Not too long ago, I started saving these unused tweets because I got a kick out of what some of them said. Here are 11 of my greatest “sleep tweets.” I didn’t make any of these up. I mean I did, but while I was sleeping.
I’m not a drinker, but if I were, these would be the equivalent of drunk texts:
11. “Edgar Allen Fro”
I really hope this means I dreamed about, “The Pit and the Gold-Chained Pendulum,” that night.
10. “You just never know who’s tweeting without pants on.”
I can guarantee you one thing. The guy who wrote this didn’t have any pants on.
9. “2013 is going to be a year where I live life to the fullest!”
I don’t know what’s sadder. The fact that I wrote this while I was half-asleep or that it’s in my “joke” folder.
8. “Cheesy Enterprise, ‘We’ll pick you up,’ Star Trek joke.”
I’d be lying if I didn’t think there was some potential here. Who doesn’t love a good joke about Star Trek and rental car agencies?
7. “There’s a big difference between a girl dressing up as Catwoman and a girl dressing up as a cat lady.”
Okay, so this is actually kind of true. Asleep Wade can be pretty wise. I’m just worried about what dream led to this.
6. “Make a joke about parents telling their adopted children they will take them back if they are bad.”
This is horrible. What happens to me at night? Do I turn into Mr. Hyde? What a terrible joke. What kind of sick mind comes up with this stuff?
5. “Experts say that on average humans kill roughly 50 puppies a year in their sleep.”
The scary part is that I typed this while I was asleep.
4. “It’s about giving, not receiving. *wink”
Oh, well I guess this is Mr. Hyde again.
3. “Children’s Book about lice dancing with dandruff.”
I remember reading this one morning and thinking to myself, “I need to get my head examined.” What would possess someone to think that a children’s book about lice breaking it down with dandruff is even worth consideration? They only way I could make this work is if I were J.K. Rowling. Even then, I’d only be on the New York Times Bestseller List for a few weeks.
I can’t help but picture the scenario though. Lice. Dandruff. Hand in hand. “‘Cause I’ve had the time of my life…”
2. “When someone dumps you, just remember, one person’s trash is another person’s treasure.”
This is going to cheer up so many people. Heartbroken individuals from all walks of life will be ready to get back on the saddle and put their heart on the line once they’ve heard my words of wisdom.
1. “What would you do if zombies came to your church?”
Because when you think about it, what would you do? Will you welcome them or just stare with judgmental eyes? Love the zombie, hate the zombie virus.
Don’t worry. I’m sure there will be a sequel to this in the near future.