Wade’s Wisdom: The Dad Whisperer

Wade —  November 15, 2013 —  Comments

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I used to think I was a baby whisperer. After all, it came natural to me. No baby was too difficult. Fussy, laid-back, or sick. If there was anyone who could handle the situation, I was your guy.

Then the complaints starting rolling in. Moms didn’t like it when I approached their infants and began whispering in their ear. I always found it rude that a total stranger would chew me out for talking to their child. I don’t even know them!

Ultimately, I have to attribute their attitude to envy. I was telling their baby a secret they couldn’t hear.

To make a long story short, through a series of restraining orders, my baby whispering days are over. Now, with a four month old son, I feel like the roles are reversed.

You see, he’s become the “Dad Whisperer.”

I don’t calm him down, he calms me down.

I wake up in the middle of the night and hear him screaming. What happens? I fall back asleep. My wife can’t get me to open up my eyes for anything. I can’t change him. I can’t make him a bottle. He whispered and my REM cycle heard.

It gets even more fascinating. My son will dirty his diaper while my wife’s hands are full. She does the logical thing and passes him to me. You can probably guess the next part of the story. Little man turns the tables on his father faster than a club DJ spinning up Jay-Z. Next thing you know, I’m out like an off-brand lightbulb from Walmart. It’s so bad, my wife has to take care of the diaper on her own. I hate to have to do that to her.

It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even hold him while we’re walking through the supermarket. I’ve got a narcolepsy fever, and the only prescription is someone banging on a cowbell.

There is one particular instance when his power doesn’t seem to have any affect on me. When he’s in a good mood. When he’s laughing, smiling, or taking a nap, his whispering abilities evaporate into thin air. I can hold, swaddle, and snuggle without having any problems with sleep. Yet the moment he starts crying, “Honey, you’re going to need to get here real…”

I’ve refrained thus far from calling myself Superdad, but I really can’t hold it off any longer. Think about this for a moment. Superman is incredibly strong, good looking, has lightning speed, is good looking, and only possesses one weakness. Am I describing Clark Kent here or Wade Bearden because they sound so much alike.

You guys, I have baby Kryptonite. He’s even green every once in a while when there’s an explosive diaper. I might be awesome, the talk of the town, and an overall good looking guy, but I’m just a human being. I have weaknesses. Well, one weakness (if you don’t count the times I fall asleep when the trash needs to be taken out). It’s my son.

The Dad Whisperer.

 

Wade’s Wisdom is a regular column by Wade Bearden. Here he shares his wisdom, knowledge, and intricate understanding of life to readers all over the world. Make sure to subscribe to his blog below and stay up to date on WadeBearden.com.